Lone Cyprus

Lone Cyprus

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

The Ride.

I'll begin chemotherapy in a couple weeks. The factual and logistical information about that is more than I feel like typing so I'll update about that later. I'm just FEELING a lot today. I feel better talking about it and writing about it. I use sharing as my therapy. It's funny because I never imagined I would ever be the type of person who would need much therapy. The sheer weight of being faced with your own mortality in such a sudden and unavoidable way, can feel devastating. To be 30 and know that it would be a small miracle to see your 40th birthday is a reality I wish on no one. Naturally, there's a lot I feel, there's a lot to say. Some of it is dark and scary. Some of it is joyful and hopeful. On one hand I look at my life and I'm so thankful. I've been blessed with more than I deserve. And on the other hand I look at my future and there's fear of not so much the end, but more of the suffering until the end. The path my disease generally takes in people, especially at the end, isn't a pretty one. So this note isn't totally a happy one filled with good news and candy and flowers. I don't apologize for that. This is the reality of living and dying. It's my reality. Most people would hear my story and feel sad or sorry for a moment, they may even remember to pray occasionally for me. For all of that, I'm grateful. The truth is though, their lives go on like normal. With each person having their own individual joys and sorrows. It just so happens that my family, close friends and myself have this to face. Three weeks after my diagnosis, I'm searching for a way to turn this seemingly bleak future into as joyful a time as I possibly can. I have had times of feeling sad, confused, angry, cheated...all of it. I fully expect there will be more moments like that. My hope is that I still have hope. No one can predict the coming months or years, but I know each day will come one at a time and until they no longer do I'll make every effort to be thankful. As I see it my only other choice is to be angry or upset because this just isn't fair. But like my wise, wise mother has been telling me for years, Beth, a fair is a place you go to ride rides.

No comments:

Post a Comment