Lone Cyprus

Lone Cyprus

Thursday, May 31, 2012

For me and for you.

As I'm trying to get some sleep, I came up with a few questions and I'd like some answers. I mean, what are we doing? What are you doing? WHAT AM I DOING?

Why are you taking things that aren't yours? Why are people being killed because their skin color makes them look suspicious? Since when is sexual irresponsibility and abandonment of a child's financial and emotional needs the norm? How is it ok to tell anyone whom they can love? Who do you think you are to spread vicious rumors about others? Why are you drinking, snorting or injecting mass amounts of poison into your body and calling it entertainment? When is objectifying women and abusing children ok? How could money ever be worth more than a human life?

Aren't there enough horrible things that we can't control? Why the hate? For others? For yourself?

Are you helping? Do you even want to?

I do.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

If you've never taken Ambien, let me tell you what it's like.

"So how come when you eat green broccoli or orange carrots or red strawberries they all come out as brown poop? What happens to the color? Where does it go?"

That is a real text, word for word, that left my phone late one night. I cannot tell you how many times my friends have replied to me asking if I took Ambien already. Many mornings (late mornings) I wake up to texts asking me if the messages from the night before were Ambien-induced. Almost always my next question is, "Oh no, what did I say this time?"

This is really what my life has become. And it's totally hilarious. I need Ambien to sleep at night for a bunch of reasons I don't want to explain. There are some great and not so great things about it but mostly I get good sleep and have a bunch of funny stories from it.

Many of the texts I've sent are either really inappropriate or sound more nuts than I feel comfortable sharing. I know this is borderline but it really happened and was my first real "adverse" reaction to taking a sleep aid. My younger sister is a nurse and works night shift so I text her a lot to chit chat about stuff or make fun of things. One night I sent her a text saying something like, "Man, I took that Ambien and I've been awake for awhile. I have this weird urge to go lay on the living room floor and roll around. I feel like maybe this is weird, right?" Not surprisingly, my sister called me immediately and informed me it was neither normal nor ok to roll around on the floor. Right. Gotcha.

Let me just add at this point, if you've never taken a prescription sleep aid, you gotta understand what this stuff does to you. I will literally not remember this stuff I do and say. Or sometimes I will remember having a thought about something but have zero recall of voicing the idea or acting on it. It's like the hours between midnight and 10am are real cloudy.

Speaking of mornings in my house, I live with my mom and stepdad. I keep mostly to myself in my room, which I consider kind of my own little home. I have everything I need in here except a kitchen but really, I don't even need one of those. Anyway, this particular morning I woke to the strangest thing. My mom had walked into the room and it kind of startled me awake. She said, "What the hell are you doing?" Me, being still out of it a bit replied, "I was just looking for some beef stew." Sounds ridiculous but it gets worse. I was in the front room of our house and had somehow moved two wingback chairs face to face and was laying across them with a blanket, asleep. I don't know why. I don't remember going out there or moving furniture and I have no idea what beef stew had to do with anything.

This stuff is the reason my mom lectured me when I first started taking Ambien. She told me she was worried about me and that she's heard these stories of people taking it and then leaving their house and having sex with their neighbors. I laughed so hard thinking she was crazy. Now, I'm not saying I would do that, but honestly, I can't believe the things I HAVE done and said under the influence of it.

Late night internet browsing has become risky. A couple times my browsing has becoming purchasing and caused some mild panic. I got an email one afternoon from Amazon saying my order had shipped. I scanned down the email, not remembering ordering anything to find I had ordered 9 books. NINE books. Thankfully, they were all used and I read each and enjoyed them. Then there was the time I got a package in the mail I wasn't expecting and opened it to find a totally awesome ring. Then the panic set in and I realized I had no idea where it came from or how much I had spent on it. Once again, thankfully I found that even when drugged, I'm a bargain shopper with good taste. Also, I learned my lesson. The money gets put out of sight at night so it's not so easy to use it.

By the way, I'm not making this stuff up. I realize it sounds crazy. And it totally is but I'm having the best time writing this stuff down and laughing. Out loud.

My poor friends have been good sports too. I went on a trip to New Orleans with my friend Vanessa and it was kinda rainy and cool while we were there. We came in one night and I was cold so I turned the thermostat up to 75. Man, Vanessa was a good sport and didn't say a word. She knows I get cold. I had taken Ambien and we were in bed trying to sleep. The rest of this story is what happened as told to me by Vanessa. I couldn't fall asleep for anything and even under a down comforter, I was still freezing. I loudly call her name and she startles awake and asks me what I want. This is how the exchange when down:
Me: I'm cold
Vanessa: Girl, the thermostat is on 75.
M: I know, but I'm still freezing. Like to my bones.
V: Well, do you want my comforter too? I'm too hot and I'm not using it.
M: No, cause you're gonna get cold. My feet are like ice.
V: Are you wearing socks?
M: No, they're way over there in my suitcase.
V: Do you want me to get them for you?
M: Yes.
At this point, Vanessa gets out of bed and gets socks from my suitcase. She walks to my bedside and holds them out for me to take. Instead of reaching for the socks, I throw my blankets off and shove my foot in her face. I mean, I straight up stuck my foot out like "you put them on me." And she did. I'm not sure how she resisted cussing me out, but I appreciate the service, girl!

My absolute favorite Ambien story is also a great lesson learned. Or well, better a lesson I've learned and am trying to stick to. I was visiting my girl, Claire in Indy and when I woke up one morning she asks me what I meant by my Tweet the night before. I thought for a second and was like, "What tweet?" Then as often happens to me, I get this slight rush of panic and immediately check my twitter page and this is what I read, "I inevitably do the uncool thing. #ineverpromisedyouarosegarden". Whaaaaaat??? I don't remember exactly how long we laughed about it but it was definitely a long time. I have no idea what I was talking about or referring to or implying. Absolutely none. On top of that, why a Patsy Cline song? I haven't heard that song in a hundred years. Claire said she'd love to know what was going through my mind when I wrote that. I can honestly say I don't even wanna know.