I had such a beautiful and happy Christmas I fully expected the afterglow to at least last until New Year's. Surprised the crap out of me to find that shopping would be the thing to kill my good mood. For months both sets of parents have been asking me what I wanted for Christmas. A list, a thought, just an inkling of an idea of something I'd like. My answer to both, repeatedly was "I don't want anything" or "I can't think of anything I want". That was 100% true. It's not that I don't appreciate gifts but I literally have everything I need. I'm not being all deep and meaningful and only saying the good, right thing. I haven't been able to figure it out myself until today.
My parents both solved the present dilemma by giving me gift cards so I can pick out and buy whatever I want. Usually this is an awesome gift because I love shopping. In the past year, the amount of shopping I do in stores has almost disappeared because I can't really breathe well enough to walk. This is the part where I express how much online shopping has saved me and my sanity. I can still shop for sure and have depended on the trusty FedEx man! So, for Christmas I get all these gift cards and so I hopped on the internet to see what I might find on sale....
One site and nothing grabs me. Second site and I see a couple things I like but don't buy. Third site and I see some great sales on a couple things and then I see these beautiful brown leather boots. And the boots are half off. They'd take all of my gift cards together to buy. I don't care. I don't want anything anyway, I'll be happy with boots. I get to the checkout page and I think, "Ok I'll wear these at least a good handful of times before winter is over and then..." My eyes immediately filled with tears and it registered with me why I hadn't been able to ask for gifts for Christmas or buy any of the stuff I liked online. It's just stuff.
I'd spend a couple hundred dollars on those boots, wear them 5 times or so and then what would happen to them? They would see half a season of wear by someone who doesn't go anywhere 5 or 6 days of the week. The same would apply to any clothing item, really. Here's the truth of what got me: IF I am here, alive, next winter, I can promise you it won't be 1 or 2 days a week that I'm out and about. It will be zero. I'll be in my bed. I'm not being negative. I'm being real and serious. And when it comes down to it, I don't care about any damn boots. They simply don't compare to what I really wanted for Christmas. Time. Time to be normal. Time to love my family. Time to enjoy God's creation. Time to breathe.
My parents would give me anything. Just so happens the only thing I want is something they can't give me.
The shopping epiphany is a total bummer. Hopefully I'll feel differently/better tomorrow.