Confessions.

A few weeks ago I had a friend ask me if I ever just get mad about being sick. He thought I seemed to be dealing with it pretty well and was mostly positive. In general I don’t get mad very easily. It takes a lot to make me angry and even more to make me stay angry for any amount of time. In the past, I’ve just been able to let things go easily. On a regular basis over the past few months I’ve had people tell me how inspirational or encouraging I am because I’m staying positive and my spirits seem to be high. Truthfully, up until the last couple weeks I would say that I have, indeed been in good spirits. What I have to say isn’t all that inspirational these days. What I really want to say is this: I’m angry. I’m mad. I’m pissed. I’m irate. I’m livid and every other word you can think to insert here.

I’m mad that I can’t breathe. I’m mad that my hands hurt. I’m mad that I have to take all these pills everyday when I’ve never been comfortable taking meds. I’m mad that I can’t exercise. I’m mad that I can’t even walk through wal mart because by the time I park and get to the door I want to rest. I’m mad that my face is changing so much and my lips are gone and my skin is red. I’m mad that there’s nothing I can do to change any of this.

It makes me so angry that I’m 31, disabled and forced to live with my parents again. I’m angry that I can’t work. I’m angry that it makes me feel unproductive and at times, useless to be without at job. I’m angry that my future no longer holds the same hope it did just a year ago. I’m angry that I’ll never have my own child. I’m angry that the chance of falling in love again has become so small. I’m especially angry that illness has made me an automatic dismissal both by men and by new friendships. I’m angry that I have to search for a way to break the news to new people so THEY don’t feel uncomfortable…as if it’s easy for me.

Maybe if it were just these things I could much more easily deal with it. The problem is, though, on top of all that, I have to deal with people and their judgements and misunderstanding and careless words. That pisses me off. I am livid that any one person on this planet expects me to explain how I’m affording to or able to go to concerts or on roadtrips or even bigger trips. And even more so, that anyone would actually accuse me of taking advantage of people in situations or for material things. First of all you clearly don’t know me and second of all get over yourself for a minute and consider my situation. I have no real hope of living more than a couple years. While I am alive, I live with my parents and before I got sick I didn’t make a bunch of dumb decisions and get myself into a lot of debt. My bills (outside of medical ones) are few. Concerts, trips and other things have often been offered to me by people who love me and want to see me experience things that make me happy. I am not spending a lot of money on anything, as there isn’t a lot to be spent. Also, while I’m living so extravagantly and taking advantage of everyone, I also struggle to breathe and feel normal constantly. My chest is tight and I have skip doing lots of things I’d love to do. Asking people to help me all the time sucks. I hate it. So I say this to you, I’ll trade ya. I’ll take the job and the responsibility…and along with it, I’ll take a future and my dreams back and a more normal daily existence.

Obviously that can’t happen. And yes, I admit, I’m angry about it. But if I stay angry, I won’t enjoy what I do have. It might not be a lot or for long, but it’s what I’ve been given. I know I have to make the most of it to be happy. So I wrote this in an effort to let some of this go. It’s difficult for me not to worry about what people think, but I’m making every effort to do just that. If you’re not on my side, if you’re not gonna walk with me through this, then I’m not gonna spend anymore time worried about what you think or say.